7 useful ways to effectively deal with conflict

How well do you deal with conflict?

Do you find yourself holding on to disagreements or conflicts for way too long? Say more than a day, a week or much longer? Many of us have heard (or experienced) family stories where one member has not spoken to another for more than 30 years.  Oftentimes siblings, cousins, aunts or children, don’t even remember what started the rift!

We are often so invested in expressing our point of view that we are blindsided and can’t hear the other person. Of course, being overwhelmed with so much going on in our lives can make it hard to have the bandwidth to patiently resolve the conflict.

Reasons we get stuck in conflict.

There may be many reasons why we hold onto conflict whether we feel like the victor or victim.

• We want to be right at any cost and can’t find a solution that can work for all parties involved.
• We stay on the surface and are not able to access the deeper issue which is pushing lots of buttons for everyone involved.
• The fear gremlin is lurking under the surface. Either we won’t allow ourselves to feel scared or we are extremely scared and we don’t want to show it. The bottom line is we don’t address the real issues

Anger and conflict.

The major emotion that keeps us from resolving and releasing conflict is anger.

Of course we can express anger in healthy ways by recognizing how angry we might be, calming ourselves down and then using “I” statements to communicate.

Conflict often unleashes unhealthy anger where the underlying anger often turns into resentment, which breeds more resentment and will definitely increase our level of stress. Unhealthy anger such as simmering or exploding, is also a fertile breeding ground for disease (and dis-ease).

Here are 7 really useful considerations to help you effectively deal with conflict.

1. What am I getting out of holding on? or What is the cost?

2. Name the feeling. E.g. anger, self-righteousness.

3. Where do I feel it in my body?

4. Is there a belief that underlies my tendency to hold on to the conflict?

5. Find a neutral sounding board who can actively listen and not tell me what to do.

6. Examine where I can take responsibility for the conflict. What role did I play as the conflict arose? (As they say – it always takes two to Tango!)

7. Decide how I will move through the conflict and what will I need to let go and not harbor any resentments. THEN – take action.

 

And here’s an additional thought. To successfully move through conflict, may require forgiveness which is often the hardest thing to do. Take inspiration from Nelson Mandela, who after 27 years in prison, healed the pain of apartheid in South Africa through the path of forgiveness.

I would love to hear how conflict plays out in your life and if you have found any great ways to deal with conflict. Leave your comments below.