Sometimes we feel so loving and at other times we find ourselves angry at something or someone.
When a relationship is going well, it’s so easy to access loving feelings. Even when the other person in front of us is angry, we’re more likely to find the space inside us to listen and not react.
When a relationship is full of conflict, struggle, or on it’s last legs, love goes underground. Each person tends to react out of impatience, anger and disregard.
What if we could access feelings of love even when anger triggers us? Can the two abide together?
Would there be a different resolution if we could remember that we can feel both love and rage intensely? And that the enraged person can also be loving at other times.
Ok, you may be saying to yourself, “What? How on earth do I muster up loving feelings for my daughter, spouse or partner right now, as they raise their voice?”
I get it. It’s not easy, when you feel a rising tide of wanting to defend, react, point the finger or leave.
Here’s my caveat. If this is a toxic relationship that’s physically or emotionally abusive, then disengage immediately.
Otherwise, today as adults, we do have a choice about how we respond. It doesn’t mean that we like the angry person’s behavior. It does mean that we see the other person and ourselves as human, infallible and imperfect.
When an angry person is expressing something they don’t like.
When and if we can access a loving place inside us, then we can respond and not react. Our return message will sound more neutral and caring. We may even be able to respond with humor and diffuse the situation. And if appropriate we can own up to our part, “You have a point” or “Yes that was pretty silly of me.”
When an angry person escalates and gets more enraged.
When the angry person’s escalating, their angry child WITHIN is acting out and having a temper tantrum. We can own up to our own part in the communication and at the same time know if their anger escalates, it’s NOT about us. We can walk away and say we’ll talk later.
Ah, what a difference it can make when we can see the other as an angry 7 year old instead of the aging adult before us.
Over the years, I’ve seen the multitude of ways that love and anger play out with my clients either in psychotherapy or in Life Coaching.
I’m also involved in an alternate way for couples to end relationships that no longer work. It’s called Collaborative Divorce. My role is a Family Support Specialist within the professional team, helping the couple to dissolve a marriage with respect and understanding.
If you have any questions – reach out to me and let me know.
Enjoy,
Alyse
P.S. I’d love to hear what you think about anger and love.