Some of us will admit to it and others will swear that we don’t have one.
Mine popped out the other week, hence my drawing. The tail is the freaky part that can sting and squeeze. I guess the tail represents some part of me being a monster.
Our control freak is the master of disguise. It stops us from getting in touch with our underlying feelings and convinces us that we’re right. We won’t and don’t listen to the other person. We stake our position and do whatever we can to make our case.
And our control freak can also operate in not as obvious and subtle ways. Guess which of the list are more are more subtle.
- bulldozing or bullying
- yelling and screaming
- nagging or complaining
- Patronizing and dismissive
- being aggressive or passive-aggressive
- badgering
- speaking over
Whether we’re overt or covert controllers, we’re definitely not listening!
Why do we default to control?
We don’t want to feel what’s going on inside us, which would mean feeling out of control. Often we don’t even know what’s going on inside us. And if we do, I bet many of the following feelings would arise:
- vulnerability
- hurt
- patience
- tolerance
- trusting
- weak
- humiliation
- shame
Unless we’re a sociopath, we ALL know what it feels like to feel unheard and disregarded. We all have the control freak inside us. Often the controller is part of our shadow side – that which we don’t want to see or own.
Here are some steps you can take when you’re face to face with the control freak.
> Next time you witness someone’s controlling behavior, take a deep breath.
> Notice what feeling they may be avoiding underneath. This is particularly helpful if your life partner or boss is controlling. It’s going to help you NOT get defensive, angry, competitive, or feel like you don’t care.
> Center yourself and remain calm. The controlling person is only shining a mirror on a part of you that isn’t present in the moment and can be at another time.
>Instead of getting entangled in the control web, feel your heart and send some love to them.
I’d love to hear your thoughts and how it goes.