“Anger and anxiety are a recipe for disaster,” said my client. If you can recognize that what’s often underneath the anger and anxiety are feelings of powerlessness, then you can reduce misunderstandings and be much happier.
Get in touch with what you are really feeling
Susan came in totally anxious and feeling like she hadn’t responded to her husband in a caring and loving way. He had just shared an awful thing that had happened at work, and Susan launched into the ways he could solve the problem. She detailed who to talk to first in the chain of command and continued with a plan about who her husband ought to talk to next.
Her husband said she was uncaring and wasn’t listening to him. They both grew defensive and hurt, and then started throwing angry words at each other. All her husband
Feelings of powerlessness
wanted was to feel loving support from his partner. Is this familiar?
In our session, we explored what Susan was really feeling underneath that led to her authoritative manner. Susan felt relief as she realized how often she’s really feeling powerless over people and situations. Instead of allowing herself to feel powerless, she unconsciously deflects and does everything she can to bury feeling powerless. Why? Because powerless means getting in touch with underlying feelings of vulnerability, helplessness and inadequacy.
When we ignore the underlying feelings of powerlessness, anxiety creeps in saying, “I’m taking over now!”
Anxiety is on a continuum ranging from ongoing worry to intense panic attacks. You probably have tons to get done each day, and clouds of worry will definitely interfere with being productive. When worry shifts to panic attacks that’s a whole other level of interference in daily activities. Very little gets done when you have so much to do. Intense anxiety symptoms include sweaty palms, racing heartbeat, trouble breathing and feeling as if you are going to die. Once you are in the grips of the cycle of anxiety, it’s very hard to get out of it without tools to help. If I can be of help contact me.
What are ways we avoid feeling powerlessness?
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Make a logical case devoid of feeling
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Problem solve
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Take a step by step approach
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Get defensive or angry especially if the other person starts getting angry
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Dismiss any emotions EXCEPT anger
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Give unconscious space for a panic attack to take over
Any of the above ways result in misunderstandings and confusion, because we are not addressing our true feelings.
Susan feels misunderstood just like her husband feels misunderstood. No wonder her husband said she was angry, uncaring and unsupportive. Susan couldn’t tolerate her own feelings of powerlessness, so how could she hear her husband’s similar feelings?
By the way, problem solving is critical and certainly has a place. It’s just that problem solving comes later in the discussion after both parties acknowledge and hear each other’s feelings.
Here are 4 steps you and Susan can take to consciously allow feelings of powerlessness, stop anxiety taking over and lovingly hear another person.
1. Recognize and acknowledge how powerless you feel. Powerlessness may show up as not feeling in control, not knowing what to say, feeling inadequate, vulnerable or helpless.
2. Feel the powerlessness in your body. It may be uncomfortable. See if you can name where in your body you actually feel it.
3. Begin to recognize that powerless feelings occur often. Notice how pushing them away no longer works. The irony is that true power and choice, comes from accepting how powerless you feel. This underpins the first and second step of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and many of the 12 step programs.
4. Slow things down by taking a few long breaths which allows you to tune into you first, listen to the other person and not have to fix the situation.
When we stop pushing away the dark parts of life there is way more room for the light. My wish is that as you allow yourself to accept and experience negative feelings of powerlessness. Then you’ll actually discover life becomes more fulfilling and happier.
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